Worst Mama Award.

It just happened.

One of the moments that all Moms dread.

That moment when you lose your cool and it's all out of your control.

I refuse to pretend like I have it all together. I am honest and I have seriously big moments of struggle. All the planets aligned just so and the day went downhill fast.

The biggest factors might be my hectic schedule and lack of restful sleep. I am exhausted. Mamas...I know you know what I mean. Not just tired, but physically depleted and unable to recover even though we keep pushing, keep running, and keep trying so incredibly hard.

On top of that, my hubby got called in to work because he is on call. The problem is, he was taking Bubba with him to hang out at the race track so that I could have the entire day to do things. Photo editing, lesson planning, project finishing, cleaning, etc.

So, when he called and said he was coming home to drop Bubba off and had to go downtown, my heart sank. Then I was stuck in a situation where I had five things started and the baby wanted attention so I threw my hands up in frustration knowing that nothing was getting done.

I felt this way too. Over it.

Then nap time came. And Bubba didn't want anything to do with it. He cried. And cried. And then cried some more. 

And then I lost it. I got so frustrated and was so angry. I was so mad that he wouldn't sleep so that I could get the million other things on the to do list done. I know he doesn't care about the list...but I care. It took a half hour of him fighting and crying for him to finally go to sleep. I was in such a bad place mentally, that when Bubba finally went down, I was in my closet in tears praying that he wouldn't start crying again.

Looking back after the moment, I am fully aware at how crazy I seem. But I bet there are lots of Mamas out there that know what I am talking about. The moment when you are no longer in control of your hormonal emotions and can't stop the anger from rising up from your toes and coming out of your ears. 

And the aftermath is even worse. The guilt and the shame you feel for losing your cool. You beat yourself up and feel like the biggest failure. When things come back in to perspective, you understand that your baby was uncomfortable and then got more upset when you were upset. You know that your baby doesn't understand why the nap is important for everyone, he just doesn't want to miss more play time. And after you wrap your head around just happened, you feel miserable at how you reacted. 

I need to learn to forgive myself, however, and I bet every Mama does too. Maybe this is why babies can't keep memories yet...so they don't have images of us crazy Moms crying and losing it haunting them every day. 

This is Bubba now. Sleeping peacefully.

I love that little guy and I hope when he wakes up he will smile at me so that I know we are okay. I hope he can forgive me when I cuddle him extra tight this evening. I hope we can play and laugh a little more. I hope I can repair the little damage that was done to my heart. 

It's sometimes a bumpy road in this Little Life.

Baby Popp Gender Reveal

Shelby and Melissa are expecting!! We did a fun mini session at the Adams County Fair for their big gender reveal later this week!

Team Pink or Team Blue?

But did I really?

It's Sunday night and I am procrastinating everything. I just want to sit and watch my baby boy play in the bath tub. He is so adventurous and loves to figure out how things work. He is crawling around and pulling at the bath tub faucet. Oh to be able to see the world for the first time with fresh eyes and an innocent perspective! To look at everything with excitement and wonder!

And then I feel my happy bubble come crashing down.

It's back to work this week. August is here and it's back to school time again. Most parents out there are jazzed up and ready to send those kiddos back to the classroom. And then there are us teachers partly dreading leaving our own kiddos.

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE teaching! My heart feels refreshed and and excited to get back into the trenches and work beside my students to create amazing things in our school. I am looking forward to improving the yearbook program and making a great product; I am excited to improve our school culture through the Student Council; I am also looking forward to trying some new techniques in my Spanish classes.

But my first summer with a baby is over. It flew by. Fleeting moments never really had a meaning for me until now. Those fleeting moments are slippery and impossible to grasp. You try your hardest to lengthen them, stretch the sweet memories out and live in them forever. But, it's inevitable that time marches on.

I went into this summer with Bubba with all these blog topics in my mind: being intentional about memory making, creating special moments with your child, sensory activities for babies, working through a summer bucket list. I tried to do it all. And then it was done before I knew it!

I ask myself if I truly enjoyed it. Did I really?

Did I look up from my phone to catch those funny things Bubba learned how to do?
Did I pause my projects often enough to watch him grow?
Did I ignore the chores long enough to cuddle a little longer?
Did I swing him enough?
Did I tickle him enough?
Did we do enough?

And I am absolutely, positively confident in saying YES. This summer was a challenge! I had a crash course in balance and managing a miserably teething baby! There were long, fussy, tear filled days...and sometimes Jaxon cried too.

But amongst those trying moments, I tried so incredibly hard to take a deep breath and remember to enjoy the time. Everyone tells me that the times flies by in the blink of an eye {and I mean everyone} so it is my most sincere mission to live to the fullest in every moment!

On paper, I didn't live up to the expectation. I didn't finish every activity on my summer bucket list. Some things I didn't even get time to attempt at all. I didn't do any sensory activities. The house was a mess, my hair was a mess and the yard wasn't mowed most of the time. Ya, we turned into those neighbors.

But I LOVED that little boy! We stayed in our pajamas and played with every toy in the house. We cuddled on the couch, on the floor, in the grass in the shade, at the park, at the pool, and at the zoo. We traveled. Oh, did we travel! What other baby can say they were in seven different states in their first seven months of life?! We hiked. We blew bubbles. We drew with sidewalk chalk. We took walks. We ate lunch outside. We stared down the street waiting for Daddy to come home. We went on errands. We learned how to crawl and grew five teeth! We took pictures and videos. We ate fruit. We grew veggies in the garden. We went to the lake. We watched clouds float by. We went to the zoo. We went to the park. We went to the mountains. We accomplished huge goals. We learned tough lessons. We saw family. We made new friends.

But more than anything, we spent time together. Bubba and I stayed side by side, laughing and crying. We made a bond that words will never explain. We started a lifelong friendship. I am incredibly grateful for these past two months making memories with my son.

It's all about the time together in this Little Life.