One of the moments that all Moms dread.
That moment when you lose your cool and it's all out of your control.
I refuse to pretend like I have it all together. I am honest and I have seriously big moments of struggle. All the planets aligned just so and the day went downhill fast.
The biggest factors might be my hectic schedule and lack of restful sleep. I am exhausted. Mamas...I know you know what I mean. Not just tired, but physically depleted and unable to recover even though we keep pushing, keep running, and keep trying so incredibly hard.
On top of that, my hubby got called in to work because he is on call. The problem is, he was taking Bubba with him to hang out at the race track so that I could have the entire day to do things. Photo editing, lesson planning, project finishing, cleaning, etc.
So, when he called and said he was coming home to drop Bubba off and had to go downtown, my heart sank. Then I was stuck in a situation where I had five things started and the baby wanted attention so I threw my hands up in frustration knowing that nothing was getting done.
I felt this way too. Over it.
Then nap time came. And Bubba didn't want anything to do with it. He cried. And cried. And then cried some more.
And then I lost it. I got so frustrated and was so angry. I was so mad that he wouldn't sleep so that I could get the million other things on the to do list done. I know he doesn't care about the list...but I care. It took a half hour of him fighting and crying for him to finally go to sleep. I was in such a bad place mentally, that when Bubba finally went down, I was in my closet in tears praying that he wouldn't start crying again.
Looking back after the moment, I am fully aware at how crazy I seem. But I bet there are lots of Mamas out there that know what I am talking about. The moment when you are no longer in control of your hormonal emotions and can't stop the anger from rising up from your toes and coming out of your ears.
And the aftermath is even worse. The guilt and the shame you feel for losing your cool. You beat yourself up and feel like the biggest failure. When things come back in to perspective, you understand that your baby was uncomfortable and then got more upset when you were upset. You know that your baby doesn't understand why the nap is important for everyone, he just doesn't want to miss more play time. And after you wrap your head around just happened, you feel miserable at how you reacted.
I need to learn to forgive myself, however, and I bet every Mama does too. Maybe this is why babies can't keep memories yet...so they don't have images of us crazy Moms crying and losing it haunting them every day.
This is Bubba now. Sleeping peacefully.
I love that little guy and I hope when he wakes up he will smile at me so that I know we are okay. I hope he can forgive me when I cuddle him extra tight this evening. I hope we can play and laugh a little more. I hope I can repair the little damage that was done to my heart.
It's sometimes a bumpy road in this Little Life.
No comments:
Post a Comment